I woke up at 7am naked in my bathtub with the shower running. My apartment was so full of steam that my ceiling was dripping. Who thought it would be okay for me to get my own place, anyway?
You are the one person I know will appreciate this- and I'm aware that its nearly 5 am- but I have 3 words... G spot orgasm. BE JEALOUS
yo dude i was totally schwabbin last night.
what does that even mean?
you ever see those charles schwabb commercials, where the people are like half cartoon half real.... well yeah i saw that in real life.
i mean, i stole her boyfriend and beat her snake score on facebook within 48 hours. not her week.
Slept on the counter again. Mom covered me in an apron.
I learned 3 things lastnight....1. Turkeys are related to the t-rex. 2. Whales have leg bones cause they used to walk. 3. I will sing drunk in the waffle house, but not during karaoke in the bar
Lube is flammable
Who is this??
How can I explain how nice he is to you? ...like, I'm going to have to have my world famous why being a douche is sexy talk.
I have dibs on his crisis of faith.
I hate find pieces of condom wrappers on carpet. It's like god is throwing flakes of shame for me to vacuum up
There was a time I was reining queen of Sunday funday... And at that same time I also weighed 20 pounds more, had the morale of a spearmint rhino stripper, and woke up most mornings asking more questions than fucking Barbara Walters. I think I just wrote my own epitaph.
Your niece just basically announced she's a whore on FB so you should feel pretty good about officiating that wedding next month.
No. Every time we go there, you end up getting high, then lost, then going home with strangers.
ANNA YOU PEED ON THE STREET. LIKE NOT EVEN SUBTLY. YA JUST SQUATTED IN THE MIDDLE OF THE HIGHWAY. And you flashed your tits to oncoming vehicles to try to get them to pick us up
Doing blow in the bathroom isnt the same without you
Do a rail off the baby station in my honor
Randomize
