I wish there were whore gnomes that cleaned our apartment when we were gone.
planned parenthood is perfect for picking up chicks...they all put out
i dont care if i have to wear a pillow case, there will be an open bar at my wedding
I feel like banging her is an expected thing. But banging you would be like getting a 36 on the ACT.
I woke up this morning peeing out bubbles . I smell like baby wash . What the hell happened .
Getting cock-blocked by Jeff Bridges. NOT OKAY.
He wore my sunglasses on his honeymoon..... so there's that.
made the entire pub sing the british national anthem, puked, rallied, then peed in a telephone booth and have pictures to prove it, taking tourism to another level since 2012.
I have a broken liver
I see that the whole "let's take a break from drinking" has worked out really well for us.
Miscalculate d the jungle juice, it's actually 10%. Can't taste the diff anyway but my stomcha is warm. Come play pongm.
Sex on acid. Try it. I thought we were fucking in outer space with fireworks inside a rocketship car. Best.
I don't need this shit right now. I just woke up covered in pistachios
Nothing says depression like laying in your bed stoned, naked, and eating a cupcake
She blew me while I watched the jets game and the hardest thing was deciding what to focus on more
So apparently I fell asleep sitting on the toilet last night while my drunk girlfriend sang to me.
Randomize
