Who would have guessed that ordering a vodka lemonade at Roscoe's was code for I want a hand job
So do you want to come over? ;)
Never again opening up the Pandora's box of crazy that is your vagina. Sorry.
which bright sisters idea was it to put semi-formal in the middle of no-shave november?
I woke up on a futon in some strangers house. They were eating pizza and told me everything was going to be fine.
If we get out of this alive, I'm never going to a Denny's at 3 am again.
Im not spending 10 to get hit on by potential transexuals even if they are cuter than most of the girls I dated.
i love when the champions come out to play im bringin the shock collar this weekend
I'm like five sips away from making a Craigslist post for true love and mustaches. My family is going to disown me tonight.
It takes a special kind of man to fart REALLY loudly right before entering a woman and still get some. This has been a state of bootytown address.
Just try not to burn your pubes off with sparklers this year.
No promises
I know you saw me get knocked out after I stepped on that rake why did you leave me there
Kinda hard to look your partner in the face the day after a rousing game of How Many Ways Can I Capture Your Penis.
But no. So do not give him one damn penny. Unless they are in a sock and you are hitting him with it.
You spilt a drink on my couch, then used my dog to mop it up... you called her a mop dog, repeatedly
I really need to stop having sex.. I haven't been able to get a brush through the back of my hair for a good week and a half
Randomize
