I knew we should have skipped class earlier, my lab partner is drunk from last night and making up his own experiments.
He just stabbed two olives and a pickle with a fork and deep throated it in front of my family
Not even marginally surprised
I don't remember much but I remember it was a unanimous decision that Santa was indeed real and Cait's stripping somehow proved this.
just got tipped $5 to put a barbie in a waffle cone and drip caramel sauce on it while a group of dudes cheered and one took pics. 90% sure they were sober
You slept with a red coat way too close to independence day. It's just very unpatriotic.
The cops are here to take me to jail, so I guess I have to go with them. If I'm not out by 6 p.m., there is some left-over lasagna in the fridge for you.
I found him passed out against a dryer in the girls washroom, in front of an old woman was trying to figure out how to dry her hands.
My night was too much. My morning is even more. Help. I need to teleport the fuck out of here.
Need a Dr's note to excuse me from blowjobs for 3-6 weeks while my jaw heals..
I have to make calls today at work. So I'm gonna call your phone and leave some random messages. Just delete them.
Hey kevin, it's Ashlee. I have been trying to get ahold of you. Your pledge gave me your number. I really wanted to apologize for shitting in your car I'll buy new upholstery or pay to have it shampooed if needed. I'm so embarrassed.
I woke up at 3am, top off, with campus security telling me to get dressed. Tonight was a GOOD NIGHT
I'd just like to take a moment now to apologize sincerely for getting drunk and making an as of myself at your Christmas party next week. I'm especially sorry for sleeping with your baby sister.
You know its an epic night when omar the garbage man gives you a ride home at 6 in the morning.
from across the room i saw you look into your beer and whisper "i love you"
Randomize
