my little brother just caught me blowing my step cousin in the lobby bathroom at our family reunion
god I hate her. why can't she just fuck and leave like a normal slut.
I miss being able to drink at 11am just cause it was sunny outside.
You told me I was special while we were having sex and I asked why.
What did I say?
Don't ask me questions while I have an erection,
Kegger tonight. 10pm. $5 coverfor unlimited booze. Proceeds benefit nuns from Uganda. Bring friends. No shit.
Come on. I'll make you hot pockets. Literally and sexually.
Vodka tonic time....wish me luck!
Go for it my man. I'm saving my shit show night for tomorrow. Gonna make it a big one just to let the entire bar know why I'm single
I told a 250 pound football player I would catch him if he jumped into my arms. And that is how I broke my wrist
I got a 5 dollar bill, 1 condom, and no alcohol. I get payed on Thursday. Let's do this shit.
Can you have a quarter life crisis another time? I'm trying to masterbate.
I was told I look like trouble once and that was by a fireman at the sex show. I was carrying two beers and a penis pinata.
She meowed at me. Repeatedly. Then she asked what was wrong with me because I didn't understand her.
its as if im in a choose your own adventure book. except im not the reader and someone else is choosing my fate...one awesome decision at a time.
How did the test come back?
I've never been so happy to have a yeast infection. And i got a free pack of birth control
I just called my kid butt plug. Does that make me a bad mommy??
This may be the most diplomatic thing you've ever said
Randomize
