That bar we were at last night smelled like cougars. Virginia Slims, Aqua Net and Summer's Eve.
You called information & said "connect me to johnny depp" when they told u it wasn't listed u said " try depp comma johnny he's expecting my call"
and he says: but we did find out that your ovaries have never released eggs. first thing out of my mouth: so i didnt really need to take the morning after pill so many times in college?
not the response he usually gets im sure.
No I'm not okay I had a crush on the singer of Tokio Hotel for four months and now you tell me he's a dude?
you spent 5 minutes trying to open an empty PBR and kept saying "don't worry i'll get it i've been working out"
Alright, so what's my next move? I already posted a Milli Vanilli video on her wall
Remember that time we became friends because I shotgunned a Tall Boy in your bathroom?
Those memories are both hazy and awesome.
Would it be tacky of me to tell the two girls I just found out he's been sleeping with on the side that I've been having gay sex with him all semester?
I figure a girl that drinks as much as I do should always have pregnancy tests on hand
my head feels like a yellow yolk spinning in a circle at the bottom of the bowl.. i may have a concussion, love auto correct
I need to be drunk within 15 minutes of getting home tonight.
i just had diarrhea that people from the 1930's would have died from
LOL he's a hopeless romantic now? 🤔 I'd say giving him a bj in a freakin softball dugout isn't the most romantic thing but it still happened
Jus had a dream that I borrowed bob dylans car to save us from a pack of raptors. Pretty stoked about it.
I walked in on a circlejerk after punching that guy out. Instant karma.
Randomize
