I wish costco sold astroglide.
i wish my brain was less awake, and didn't try and picture what you were talking about.
If I die and they 'assume' it's natural causes, just go with it.
The carpet cleaning people refuse to steam clean human feces. I'll call back later and blame it on the dog not you
sitting in my room in a shopping cart. they couldnt get my legs out of the holes. i want breakfast.
nah i think i'm gonna take my landlord's kids trick-or-treating instead. apparently the houses around here hand out wine to the adults and candy to the kids.
You were a path of destruction, you started with eating half the cake, proceeded by throwing the rest in the sink and dumping water all over it while laughing... then throwing the drunk helmet across the room yelling that you didnt want to wear it... i'd say it was a successful birthday.
I've already made the "blackout on move in day" decision
Breakfast Clubbing as Juggalos. I can feel our IQs in freefall.
I swear I can feel something in my uterus. Like, I can feel his sperm searching for an egg. Wtf...
I now have a bottom rung on my kissing scale. Like I can say "Well. On a scale of Matt to Braxton he was probably a Zach." It's the little things.
When you went off to sleep with that guy that looked like a dirty Jesus and I asked why all you had to say "trying to keep Christ in Christmas" and left. The Vatican called, you're going to Hell.
He was late, on account of he accidentally went to the Al-Anon meeting across the hall, and it took him 30 minutes to realize he was in the wrong room.
sooo, that video of you eating lasangna with the strobe going magically reappeared on my phone
He's stripped out of his boxers and is dancing and slapping his dick with string cheese...I don't know whether to call for help or take a video.
He asked me to describe my life outside work. I responded with "Home-wrecker.
Randomize
