Last night was a blur. All I remember is jizzing in the squeegee bucket at a gas station.
The look on the soccer mom's face was PRICELESS.
i just googled "alcohol delivery service". im combating drunk driving one lazy act a time.
They let you pick the name that they announce for you at graduation. The professional world needs to prepare itself for papa smurf mcdonald.
She dropped a weight class after every shot I took. I thought I was just drink something magical.
apparently i saved myself a memo last night titled "cake" and all it says is "i love it so much"
your like the ambassador to my penis.
Come down here. We are watching people walk through the paper we taped in front of the elevator.
I'd rather blow Nickelback than be told he gave me gonorrhea. I'd even post it on Facebook for all of the world to like, share, and judge me.
When the neighbors threatened to call the cops, he yelled at them that American laws didnt apply to him because he was Danish. He then sang his own version of "America fuck yeah" along to daft punk, then fell down the porch steps. Can we keep him?!?!
I vote we get high and sneak off to McDonald's to get mcflurries.
YES. ALL MY YES.
Did I leave the house with out a shirt or socks?
Yea, you said you didn't need them cause she was going to take them off anyways and that it would "save time".
Do you think the police would frown on me opening a psych drug pharmacy on the side? Just to dispose of my drugs without polluting the water supply! It is for the animals!
would it be okay if I showed up at your house naked? and is your door unlocked?
and then she sorta stared at me like "holy shit" and I looked down and my dog was licking her ass
Ruff night.
I deleted your number after I found out you gave my brother head for drugs.
Randomize
