I'm so cold I just used my boobs to keep my face warm
He said "I know I'm not gay. I fucked a guy once and didn't like it"
Just scheduled a cocaine deal around my drug counsler appointment. Why yes, thank you, I do enjoy the irony that is my life.
I'm in a pile of cheezits at an unfamiliar location watching dateline on tlc. Stage an intervention.
I told you I'm not going to the Phillies game until we're tripping balls
There was a group of girls next to us. One was smiling at me. I only remember walking up and saying "oh you're Russian". Not sure where it went from there
Please brint me miilk. I am on the floor but my door is open. Thank you, i appreciate u verry much.
On another note, I feel like my vagina is slowly being peeled off with a rusty potato peeler.
Side note: Hot guys are now getting with ugly chicks. Alert the media.
I can hear my family downstairs singing Christmas carols as I masturbate
Also the girl beside me smells like she's been in a deep fryer.
I just need to find a good handlebar mustache to sit on until I'm over that beard
Last night I watered my lawn and smoked a joint then cooked a steak. I'm really killing this adulthood thing.
Can you masturbate to someone liking your instagram picture?
There's a set of buzz lightyear wings in lost and found at work. I just need access to your roof.
Randomize
