either we just had an earthquake or I am really good @ masturbating
Do you ever close your eyes when your having sex with your girlfriend and pretend she didn't get fat after high school?
:O -> O: ... that's emoticon for "he threw up in my mouth while we were making out"
so high i just made my own version of grilled cheese using toast and spray cheese
here comes the puke
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We're going to play a drinking game. It's called "Senior Year of College."
I never kept track of who else he slept with. You think I have the time or the energy to keep track of every dick in my life?
I just called him "young grasshopper" in a conversation. THIS is why I don't get numbers when I'm sober
You know it's a good party when even the dealers were too fucked up. Just found and counted 140 E pills I found in a bag in the couch. Just paid for weed this month.
Well, he's moving. Now my only options are to accept it or fake a pregnancy; and since you are my only pregnant friend I'm going to need you to pee on this stick for me.
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she said she walked into the kitchen and i was sitting ass naked on the floor chugging her parents vodka.
Dude you filled up a protein shake mixer with White Russians so you didn't have to keep coming upstairs.
I've counted 3,503 loops of fabric on my carpet so far. FUCK YOU ACID!!!
Just found out that his ringtone for me is a train blowing bc and I quote 'I know when you call I'm getting laid'
Like you know your sex life is in a downward spiral when your best friend offers to sext you from Ireland
I’m getting reeeeaaalll tired of telling cute boys I gave them chlamydia.
That’s two in three months. You really know how to live.
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