We just followed a woman home because she looked like Jeff Goldblum. Turns out she lives in a trailer park.
Dude..her orgasm sent her into a seizure...theres no joke here. It happened.
Was that not clear on Friday when I nearly deapthroated two ice cubes?
A homeless man walked up to me at the bar, pointed, and told me to get my shit together. Jesus?
Make puking fun. Chug half a monster right before you blow. Throw up foam. Most unique experience ever.
Lost my credit card. M has a bottle of blood in her pocket from a hobo.
How could you not respond to a text containing the words "goat man" ?!?
It feels like there's puke trying to explode out of me from behind my eyeballs.
his finger was half off and he was more concerned that he wasnt at home shooting cucumbers out of his potato gun.
Most people would probably take his lack of responses as a queue to stop. But nope, not me. I just keep going. And that's why I don't have a bf, just a little weinered friend
I'm already too high to be publicly presentable. I just looked at myself in the mirror without my sunglasses. Debated contacts. Said aloud "But I'm nothing without my sunglasses."
Forever getting my life back together in gas station bathrooms.
He said I have a comfortable vagina. What does that even mean?
How are you and your magical vagina doing today?
no i'm going to the dr today, he fucking banshee-shrieked in my ear as he was coming and now i can't hear out of it
Randomize
