just went to get groceries. a cashier said she saw me last night. i guess i carried a broom back from the party and swept the street the whole walk back...and i claimed to be in the cast of wicked
I chose taco bell over sex...
good choice.
Oh and then this old man who saw it happen goes "don't do that"
Hahaha what a helpful old man. Like you thought it was normal to be spilling gas everywhere.
I don't have the urge to be a home-wrecker with these two. I think I've grown, don't you?
I just wanna go home eat some pizza rolls, get warm and jerk off, and it's only 845. This shit was supposed to make me see unicorns. Not cry
Pretty sure the girl next to me in Chipotle just came out to her mom.
It's like past high you was looking out for future high you by rolling that joint and leaving it in your coat pocket. What a Halloween miracle
I got so drunk last night that I drunk texted myself. "hand jobs are the currency of the future"
YOU DON'T JUST GET TO CALL AND SAY YOU MIGHT BE DEAD, THEN NOT ANSWER!
I'm prostituting myself for tickets to Disney World. There's a contradiction there.
What type of bandaid should I use on my clit
Just whisper "I fucked your boyfriend" in her ear and be done with it.
ok so you're 100% sure this time that he isn't your ex in disguise again?
You ripped his router out of the wall and screamed "I have defeated the matrix"
Just saw Little Red Riding Hood riding a guy on hood of a car
Good for her for committing to the costume
Randomize
