I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
I want to take things slow emotionally, but fast physically
My mom gets in bar fights. She doesn't go to bed early.
yesterday i saw a blind man guiding himself into a NYC tour bus... and i thought i waste money
You insisted I take photos of you vomiting off the top of the tree.
This was my thought process as I drunkenly ran home: Whoa! I'm going so FAST! Why don't I run EVERYWHERE! ALL THE TIME! Then I peed in a bush and passed out on the ground.
So basically you were a dog.
Honestly I think at this point I purposefully schedule nothing on Sundays anymore so I can spend all day wallowing in my shame.
Cops are just so fun an beautifuk
I just had a mental image of us riding a tractor through hell with one of those big guns mounted on top of it shooting at everyone while the indiana jones music plays.
Just saw the mall santa roll by on a rascal scooter holding a chic-fil-a milkshake and stop to chat up trio of cute 20-somethings. New hero.
Peanut butter and whiskey is not a dinner
i just drunk stumbled into my home... to figure out that we moved 2 weeks ago..
Unless you count my weekly workout where I drink wine, listen to obscure/cheesy records, and pretend I'm a ballerina...no. I don't exercise.
I had to take on your role as drunk idiot....I have no idea how you do it so well and so regularly. That shit is exhausting.
I only have sex with you to have a memory to masturbate to.
Randomize
