and then he said that the only reasonable explanation as to why I got swine flu was because all I ever do is join the bandwagon
woke up at my desk with a paper in front of me that says "people stranded on islands love having wet dreams" what the fuck happened last night
just found out i fit into magnum condums. this is going to be the best weekend ever
Can I use you as a job reference? Don't tell them i got you fired cause I banged you tho
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
she said "the two best ways to sober up are to nurse someone or give a blowjob" and im gonna go along with it.
He gave me his business card. It was a Justin Bieber trading card with his number written in sharpie. I have to call him don't I?
3 things. 1. is this real life 2. my liver hates me 3. keg race tonight
For your information i will be shotgunning whiskey on may 21st.
There's always time for handjobs
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I brought him to this party even though we're not together anymore because we made a bet on who would have sex first, and it is a sausage fest up in here.
I am ina trunk. Iam in a trunnnnnjkk. I hope its yours. Oh manomanomano. Thids better be your trunk
Sorry I never got back to you, I ended up at a party with pot ice cream, pot apple cider, and hash vegetable oil.
all law school has taught me so far is how to fart quietly during lectures and how to out-argue the ice cream guy when he screws me out of extra toppings.
no joke- she just sprinkled parmesan cheese into her champagne and slurred "I just need a little snack"
I am attempting to break the habit of calling him daddy.
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