Your face is a jimmy john
i'm in the sorta mood where i wanna be that crying, drunk girl who will hook up with anyone that tells her she's pretty
He looks like he got hit by a weed-eater with chlamydia
New level of stoned. My Terry's Chocolate Orange didn't 'whack-and-unwrap' so I ate it like an apple.
it wasnt even considered partying. it was like "ok, who can get the most shitfaced and not pass out"
Dude I just ripped my new jeans climbing out the window so his booty call wouldn't realize I was home. Being his roommate should come with hazard pay
There are two types of people in this world I don't trust: people who collect stamps, and people who don't drink
I think my hookup is starting to fall for me. Time to break his heart.
Dad says your scarf isnt fooling anyone and u look like a douchebag, its literally the perfect time to tell him your gay
Theres a point where you stop and say hey....as high as I am on LSD right now ...I`m just a man covered in paint
The only thing I remember last night was feeding my dog 4 McDoubles.
I just hope I don't wheeze during sex
There were 7 of us cowering in the kitchen because you were swinging a giant, pink double headed dildo around like a nunchuk and hitting anyone who came near you with it.
I'll meet you in hell with unlimited boxes of wine though
I feel like I don't even know what's gonna happen when we first see each other. It'll be like explosions and glitter and a unicorn will run by pulling a sleigh of alcohol and sex.
Randomize
