Remember when I use to call my dick 'the pendulum'
wtf?
It is now the artist formerly known as 'insideyourgirlfriend'
So then I told him that only a restaurant managed by a florida fan could run out of ketchup
2pm: Breaking news alert: I think I'm finally sober. Oh, and that place needs hotter strippers.
I had to convince you not to write "happy birthday to the first guy who fingered me" on his facebook wall, right above the post from his current girlfriend's mother.
Some guy stole lobsters by hiding them in his pants. We should strive to be like him.
I hate that he uses me for something other than sex. What does he think I am? His girlfriend? Ha.
Is 9am too early to be eating a mozzarella stick I found in my purse? Yeah didnt think so. The fact that it tastes like vomit is concerning but not importanta.
I'm so eating pot-chocolate cookies while preggers. This kid will be so amazing.
We've gotten 3 pitchers already by trading for CUPCAKES
But it's ok cause then I turned my tequila blanket into a tequila comforter and I felt no pain
all I'm saying is if you're gonna fuck a fat chick do it in a pool it's like zero gravity or something
how did you graduate high school
My sober self will be embarrassed tomorrow. For now I am laughing my ass off.
he taught all the little kids to ski. it was stupid hot. i'm pretty sure my ovaries exploded.
Last night he told me I was never sexier than when I was cutting pizza. Seriously. Like, he's perfect.
The bar brought brought it upon themselves, they played billy joels piano man before closing, it's not our fault the bar isn't a bar anymore, right?
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