If she didn't want me to pass out in her bathroom, then she shouldn't have such a furry rug in there
It was like the Ritz Carlton of jails. I got introduced to our criminal system the right way.
cant help it. i get a boner every time that shake weight infomercial comes on
Well, if they're both my boyfriend.. Then i cheated on both of them.
just had to explain to the health center why i wanted 50 condoms a month.
Sorry about the voicemail last night, people in hostel thought getting the clap from cheating on me wasn't enough and you hearing a 6 foot 5 Swedish dude bang the shit out of me was needed.
I keep having to have that awkward "I don't want to have sex with you" convo. I thought wearing sweatpants was suppose to prevent this situation..
I said we should get a taxi and you were waving down cars, three of which were cops and one of them slowed down and shook his head then kept driving
He didn't think we needed a taxi
thanks for not telling him i named my trumpet after his dick
On a completely unrelated note I think I have carpal tunnel
Again, totally unrelated
Don't send me heart emojis when you're jacking off.
So yes we had an orgy last night and I sucked your tits while you fucked my husband but I am weird about sharing my toothbrush.
Am I just high or is she having an auction for her vagina on Twitter
and then she sorta stared at me like "holy shit" and I looked down and my dog was licking her ass
Ruff night.
I am eating croutons on my bathroom floor. Are you happy?!
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