I JUST WOKE UP ON A TRAIN
I SHUDNT B ON A TRAIN
Judging by what's in the bathroom right now, I see you graced us with your presence last night.
I'm on a cruise to the Bahamas and this text message is gunna cost me $10 but I need you to pray on my behalf for the things I'm about to do these 2 girls and what I did last night to a 35 year old mother of 3.
Thank God for cruise control and the Starbucks cup I had to puke in.
So if we break up over this are you still gonna come over and do my dishes?
I like that we make it a requirement to howl at the moon every time we get drunk together.
You are so lucky that drugs are going to kill you before I do.
We still need to grow old, buy a house, and drink 40's while wearing old people sunglasses, staring at the young studs mowing our lawn.
Maybe her vagina is like a vacuum
I can't decide if that would be a good or bad thing. I'm leaning toward good
He fell on top of me at a party. I slept with him a week later. We've been fucking for 2 moths. Most successful relationship ever.
I told the emergency room nurse I didn't want to stop and ruin the moment. She said safewords are there for a reason. Super condescending. Got her number though.
Turns out it's a fake number.
Plus my dignity needs a night alone with me.... Oh that's right. I lost it last night
I mean, I've had her boob in my mouth, but is that romance?
Is it bad that we left the kid passed out on the bus? I think his name was texas. I was too drunk to be questioning this.
He told me that I should keep my socks on next time because he read somewhere that it'll help me orgasm...
Randomize
