so i slept on a park bench last night...no hobo
Just threw up at the table during our Father's Day dinner. And I managed to get quite a bit on dad, so that was nice.
He's having a heart to heart coversation with the keg about what he should do with his life.
Remeber when I drunkenly made out with him this summer while he was getting bitched at by his girlfriend on the phone? Yeah, neither do I. But I'm pretty sure that same thing happened again last night.
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After all the hair products he's stolen from me, he better fucking be gay.
Just witnessed a bar fight started by a guy wearing a construction vest cuz he didn't like the other guys shirt
you closed your eyes and pointed to a cupboard..there was vodka on the top shelf. your sixth sense is amazing. plus, we convinced the foreign kid you're a booze whisperer
It would be like a dance party with a dick inside you. I think that's what Ke$ha wants for the world.
Just sharpening my eyeliner with a butterfly knife. You know. Typical weekday morning.
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I just realized that I have to choose between a future orthopedic surgeon and a dude currently in jail. My life is so fucked.
I would agree. Whose business is it if I like to guzzle vodka by the liter on my of time? Answer: mine.
considering I just took 3 shots of fireball I don't think I'm coming back tonight. also the hulk just walked in crushing beer cans on his forehead
I need to buy fuckboy repellant for whenever I think it's a good idea to meet boys I found in tinder
I just woke up to my family in the living room watching our security camera tape of me last night talking to a stop sign in our backyard... How the fuck did I get that in the yard?
I kept yelling "BY ORDER OF THE PEAKY FUCKING BLINDERS" in a terrible brummie accent at everyone I saw wearing a flatcap.
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