He's on drugs...like drugs for horses.
The cop only confirmed I'm .22% Irish. Then I threw up on him.
You know that hot fire fighter I fucked yesterday? Well him and two other guys are killing the fire on my stove. Awkward.
please dont pick me up from the airport dressed like a terrorist.
It's like there's a party and my mouth and everyone's throwing up
That doesn't help it make any more sense. Because now you've brought pinata condoms into this.
In a car. Threw up in my mouth. Haven't said a word in 10 minutes.
Oh my god please beg your father to turn the car around so you can possibly get laid by a knight at medieval times.
It got messy; I did a shot of seamonkeys.
I love shooting for the middle. Those girls never wake up well.
It is officially Christmas time in Chicago. There's a drunk hobo on the CTA singing the first 2 lines of Frosty the Snowman over and over and over.
I have a better chance beating China's military with slap bracelets than this plan has of working.
Went into Walmart to get a pregnancy test. Came out with a beta fish and chocolate.
You're the only person I know that could get laid while visiting their grandpa in florida
I could tell my life story through kermit memes
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