Do I need to let your sister outside to go pee or anything before I leave?
the cashier at riteaid just made the sign of the cross before he rang up my pregnancy test. now i know god is on my side
I'm at the cafe. It's 7am. There is a girl I don't know on my futon who tried to tickle me this morning when I got down from my loft. I also not wearing any underwear.
I am currently listening to someone take a shit. I hate the hole in the ceiling.
She hash tagged the word blow job in her text. Tonight's going to be good.
So the chick throws up over the rail from the 15th floor at the sky bar and I knew I would take her back to my hotel.
But I feel like studying my flashcards during a blowjob would be rude...
If you're wondering where your left shoe is you lost it in a bet with a homeless guy last night
I woke up to a shot of jager next to my face. I felt bad for it so i drank it
I just got carded by a ten year old.
Finally had sex in the new kitchen. Burnt the hamburgers and hit myself in the face with the freezer door. Worth it.
You were drunk enough to sled down a highway off ramp in your pajamas….
He's my ex's boss. I'm not above sleeping with him for that fact alone.
I'm about to go get lunchables and alcohol. Take that adulthood
I miss you and I miss your weed. Come home.
Randomize
