the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
Dude i dont know how people can complain that waterboarding is such a bad thing. I just sat through a fucking puddle of mudd show. Now thats torture
I feel like this woman may give her husband a hand job mid way through dinner. just saying.
Did you ever feel like going into a planned parenthood and performing an abortion in front of them?
Umm..who the fuck is this?
Oh shit
Of course, you get to fuck all night while I'm stuck in the girls bathroom sucking a limp dick for coke
I just farted in the bathroom and the guy in the stall next to me started gagging. Its a beauitful day
So I pull up to an apartment complex and immediately felt like I was here to get stoned.
Beer and tomahawks! Not gonna end well!
Wore a burger king crown while giving head still drunk this morning #blessed
Your mankini haunted my dreams.
Emojis can't explain what he felt when that ass dropped
I needed to pee, so I climbed out his window
I'm literally trapped as the little spoon on a mattress on the floor of an unfinished basement with a professional athlete snoring in my hair
Hey. I hope you have enough room in your car for me and a Honda civic front bumper.
And tell your penis that we can hang out tonight for sure.
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