definition of desperate: He gave me his SC drivers license so i wouldn't forget to facebook him.
He's like the fucking Houdini of bras. Not only did I not feel him take it off I didn't find it until two days later.
The wedding was scheduled to start 5 min. ago. 20 people here so far, groomsmen in tees and jeans, catering by Costo. NO ONE OUR AGE IS READY FOR MARRIAGE!
In a tragic sexting typo, I typed the word "blobjob". Now she's coming over and I have no idea what I'm in for...
is that a crab cake on the shelf with the dvd's....?
dude, i woke up with a mini keg on my night stand. again. like wtf
She's comparing the feel of breasts to shredded cabbage. Weirdest. Grandmother. Ever.
the dj asked me quote "are you sure you're sober enough to do this?" And I grabbed the mic from him and said "ill fucking show you sober- HIT IT". I also dropped the mic at the end so he had to come around and pick it up
Shania Twain would have been proud
Also, the greatest of ironies: I got shampoo confiscated by security while Corey managed to get pot through. MERICA!
We learned many a lesson today about drug use in canoes
I'm sorry about all of the innappropriate shoe throwing
When the sex is so good, you need three fans and have to chug a gallon of water after
I know you just got dumped by your gf but believe there is still good in the world. I just smoked a joint and took a fucking unbelievable poop. Give me a call tomorrow.
Fireball goes down like mother's milk. Btw your housemate is naked
What? No, wine isn't my weakness, I just love it.
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