What do you call a girl with PMS and GPS?
A crazy bitch that WILL find your ass!
you told me heaven would be the 3 of us at Moe's forever and every hot girl that walked in would ask us to play stone face
He came all over my face... then said "YOU HAVE BEEN ROBBED!"
What's this douchebags name?
Rob...
the majority of my texts from you are at 3 AM & consist of either "I'm drunk", "you're asian", or "bratwurst"
how come everytime i call mom shes doing tequila shots
i'm too stoned to be pregnant. the kicking is morse code for wanting beef jerky.
I feel wrong giving my mom a cash gift full of dirty stripper money.
We got the idea to smoke under his bed because, and I quote, "it'd be just like going camping"
Hey had an urgent voicemail from the Illinois national guard....have you been using my identity for your blackout weekend?
Yes and yes
Ummm, my mojito just spilled on 2 essays as I'm grading. Who says high schoolers have all the fun?
You were chugging tap water out of a running blender screaming "bubbles is Perrier mother fucker"
Shitty. Well if it makes you feel any better I just had a toothless wasted crackhead in my bar who was mad because there are TOO MANY FUCKIN TREES in Nantucket.
High me is so sweet. She left not-high me a fortune from a fortune cookie and 6 packets of soy sauce in my tampon drawer.
its like i get a dick upgrade with every new guy i screw, at this rate i'm scared to see my next one
he said "i'm the cat whisperer, watch". he took a hit from the pipe, grabbed the cat and blew the smoke in its ear. he grinned and the cat started purring. it was magnificent
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