Next weekend I am getting a library card and staying my whore ass home.
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like having to pee in a condom for my cousin so that he can pass a drug test.
He DELETED brick breaker off his blackberry why even bother trying to find something in common?
just graduated on the spot on the quad where I vommed freshman year. full circle
The bartender laughed but the manager kicked me out when the mom conplained. There's no way my fart harmed that baby in any way
the only reason you beat me in fntsy this week is bc you wouldnt bail me outa jail in time to set my roster you dick
If I ever die and svu has to come to my murder scene make sure they know I don't wear underwear always so it might not be as bad as they think
She found my wedding ring, sallowed it and wished me good luck explaining it to my wife before walking out. Now what?
Were you drinking last night?
Because typically I don't associate the phrase 'Go sleepy time' with sobriety.
I don't know if I'm feeling really nervous right now or just extremely horny.
St. Patrick's day can kiss my ass. Still hungover. I guess I showed up at my gym blacked out yesterday morning. Like im not missing a gym day b
It makes me feel all patriotic & free... And borderline diabetic.
I put on a tiger onsie to initiate sex... It worked
Is it sacrilegious to take tequila shots on Saint Patrick's day?
Tequila shots and throwing it at a bell.
This is dumb. I'll keep doing it.
Randomize
