I was to big spoon the shit out of you right now
I'm so hungover and dru,k
I just spent the last hour spooning with my drug dealer.
i wish exes would disappear into a world where we never have to deal with them again, and they can just create drama for each other. Then if they wanted to talk to us, they would have to apply to get a "visa" to come back to our world.
Then you got really excited when I upgraded you from puke bowl to puke bucket.
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Just went through the drive thru and got 18 free donuts in exchange for half a joint. Dunkin Donuts at midnight might become a nightly thing for us.
Before I left he asked me if I could submit my panties for the frat house undergarment chandelier. I said yes
at that time a 4 pound meatball stuffed with pizza rolls seemed more important than bailing you out of jail.... sorry.
I traded my shirt for vodka. I wonder if my parents can pinpoint where they went wrong raising me.
Rain ponchos don't count as shirts at the bar. FYI.
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What is the protocol for an "i'm sorry I had my ex retrieve me from the bar so I didn't drive drunk" blow job
hey, you wanna get together over coffee or something?
is this code for 'i just got broke up with and i need a sympathy dicking'?
how did you know?
I just closed two deals on my laptop from my bathroom while smoking a bowl, like a bawssss. Working from home is my favorite.
Do they sell "congrats in losing your virginity!" cards and do they come in gay?
For a second I thought I had fallen asleep on the floor and freaked out. Then I thought somehow I was on drugs. This is my life.
I got kicked out of the E.R. for saying "balls".
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