Dude idk, apparently telling two drunk chicks 'that's whats up' after watching them lick eachother's face wasn't the compliment they were looking for. I mean I was fucking hammered.
Wow.
oh don't forget that when we go furniture shopping we have to find a matching bong so put more money in the furniture fund
Opened my wallet to find a slice of ham with a phone number written on it in sharpie.
I want a grilled cheese and an IV
don't say the first was when I crawled under into the dressing room
This storm betta not fuck with taco tuesday
I woke up at 6am to a knock and a naked guy at my window.
you haven't really lived until you are in a situation where your vagina is hanging out
Please tell me I didn't try to make out with a 70 year old Romanian man last night ...
I'm too old for chlamydia. That's for 20 year olds who go to clubs and do drugs I've never heard of.
The fact that my boss lets me drink on my lunch break makes Mondays much easier.
Nothing like sitting at your midterm pissed at yourself because you put your graphing calculator batteries in your vibrator and forgot to put them back in before the exam 😑
I told him I want him to read me my Miranda rights while he's fucking me. Act exactly like he does while he's on duty except with his dick out.
My boss just offered me a vodka mixed drink at work I do not have a real job
He called my IUD an IED, and said that’s why I had bomb pussy.... I didn’t correct him
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