so im in the parking lot of taco bell eating a taco...and some girl just got out of a car and screamed at the top of her lungs "XANEX FOR SALE!!!!" i fucking love Hamilton.
my passenger side seat is covered in alcoholic jello with a nude mannequin in it
He wants to call Lloyd's of London and have my mouth insured.
all but 2 of were put on probation for disorderly conduct. i know, visiting a hospital when your drunk is really stupid but it seemed like such a good idea at the time
swear to god, "it seemed like a good idea at the time" is gonna be on your epitaph
all I remember is repeatedly winking at the fire marshall while he was counting the people in the bar
We talked him into tasing himself.
Note to self: the judgement that occurs when unrolling your last 5 which was used to snort drugs the night before, to pay for alcohol before noon on a Monday is worth just sucking it up and taking an overdraft fee.
Wait a min, you had drugs last night?!
I had to keep telling myself 'you can't be mad at him because you peed on him'
Well his ex just grabbed his dick and told him yep Ill call u later
This guy on the bus keeps leaning over and sniffing my hair.
I woke up half naked on the floor next to his bed, and his cat was staring at me like it had seen everything that i myself don't remember..
I'm afraid I might run into that fat chick that sucked on me in the hospital parking lot while her friend cried in the car next to us, but I may be willing to take that chance.
Do you know how much wine is in a box of wine? Not so much an amount, but whether it will kill me if I drink the entire box this xmas
Dude, i just watched a drag queen dropkick a motherfucker. this is a good night.
there's a giant awkward home-wrecking elephant in the room. and its name is meg.
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