You know you have a problem when you walk into your bathroom find kettle one in your shower and a note you wrote yourself when drunk that says "panties at jared leto's" on your counter
Let's hear it for middle of the street handjobs ladies and gentlemen
My parents foreign exchange student just walked in on me whacking off. Welcome to America :)
I just licked the seasoning off all the doritoes in the bag. Tell me when I should stop drinking or I'll just move on to the sunchips
who put toothpaste on EVERY doorknob in my house?!
Just witnessed my roommate pick her nose and eat it in her sleep. Remember, you made out with that.
My genitals don't want beer. They want to not feel like they wandered into a hornet's nest.
To be honest, waking up to 20 naked people in my house was not the weirdest thing to happen to me in the past 24 hours
Please remind me next time not to call the ex who cheated on me to cry about the ex who forgave me for putting him in prison. It would be much appreciated.
Its really hard to get off when the googly eyes on your vibrator stare into your soul..
Alas, I cannot find a male suitor sharing my affinity for sport culture who will both manhandle me and treat me with the respect a young Hillary supporter wants and deserves
"They let me see the x-ray. My nose is broken. I saw it. It was cool. Well, I guess it would be cooler if it wasn't my nose."
I thought one was bad but really there are two woman stupid enough to marry our brother...unreal
There's wine in the fridge here. You could leave school and we could get day drunk.
That's my favorite drunk.
That would involve putting on clothes and I don't think I can face that right now.
Randomize
