My New Years Resolution was to get a girl I dont know pregnant. 8 months later I can check that off the list..
I feel like I'm back in highscool trying to hide my erections at work
just left the emergency room. condom extraction.
I literally paid him in shots to clean my entire apartment. he even vacuumed...who said alcoholism is a bad thing??
This is one of those times where I really wish my vagina could tell me what happened last night.
You didn't see us wave? How could you not? We were all going like 10mph screaming at you. We were stoned and didnt wanna run over pedestrians
Just told my mom sparks is a health drink. Officially getting hammered on the way to the beach.
he said i balance and complete him. i feel sick
He ate me out on the kitchen floor while we waited for the cake to bake. How was your Valentines Day?
Did you seriously just hashtag my sex life as #yolo2013?
It's ok, it's locked within patented Sealrite technology. That puke is staying fresh
Spoiler alert: my plans for Halloween are going to make our dealer's birthday look like a bunch of mormon ladies having a scrapbooking circle
I'm hiding in my office refusing to turn the light on holding puke down stealing and shoveling down the meeting snacks and regretting my poor life choices. goldfish crackers are like crack to me right now. how is your day?
in your professional opinion, what's the most elegant way of saying "sorry I spent all night flirting with you, I thought you were gay" ?
What did you spend the night in her closet?
She said she was saving me for breakfast and locked me in there
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