Haha na a cat just ran under your car. Howd that happen?
Probably a woman cat. Doesnt think things through
When do i get to see u next week?
When I teabag your entire family
Last night you tried to pee on my bed...in the hallway...your room...and the showers. When I finally got you on the toilet you passed out.
He gave me an orgasm with his left hand...and he's right handed. Of course he's a keeper.
please promise me that no matter what happens you will keep me away from the children
I was freaked out. No man over 50 is allowed to touch me. Ever. Unless you're Michael Bolton. Then please do.
Every part of me is in agreement...but mostly my vagina
The nausea has returned and I can't handle such things to exit my body so violently
Have I showed you the picture of my vagina with a little bang flag coming out of it?
So. Somehow managed to fuck my contacts out of my eyes. Didn't know that was even possible.
We had a One Night Stand 6 months ago but he just Facebook invited me to his wedding. Who the fuck does that.
I know EXACTLY where things went wrong with her...I didn't use Cheetos as a wooing tool.
Bruh why you gotta judge
You're awake at 3:30 in the morning RSVPing to a musical, I'm well within my means
:(. i have vodka in a fire extinguisher. that solves all problems. except fires. it would actually make that worse.
when I finally convinced you to get off the floor you looked at me wild-eyed and said "the carpet was a VAST EXPANSE OF SEA"
Randomize
