I'm eating all of the evidence.
Feel like bed is flying. Not sure where we're going. Hope there is candy.
You hit on the cop telling him you were celebrating the anniversary of your 21st birthday and ur boob job... That's how he got ur #
ah tequila...
She used the introduce me to her roommates so she could find out my name trick the next morning..I may be in love.
just used clorox wipes to give myself a whores bath. hello finals week
Pre-crushing the pills for tomorrow morning. This way I can sleep in an extra 10 minutes.
They put me in charge of something. Why the fuck would you look at me and put me in charge of something while i'm double fisting peach mimosas at a baby shower
He referred to his penis as "a gentle giant" and said I had offended it
more embarrassing than that time i showed up to class in my hoodie and leggings because i over slept, and then as i zipped my hoodie down i realized i didn't sleep with a bra on or a shirt
Please tell me you werent the one who replaced every beer bottle in my fridge with a picture of a baby kitten.
... and if i was..
Fuck. You.
I woke up at 4 am to a guy curled up in the fetal position sobbing in our front yard. Oh college.
Chipotle farts are not good for seducing boys.
Well, I crapped my pants in front of her entire family, was laughed out of their house, and I had to walk home with shit stained pants. So, yeah, it went really well.
We both know we're cheating on one another. But our side pieces aren't as kinky as us...so yeah, we're still together. This is a fucked up relationship.
Note to self: I can rip apart her vagina and she'll still cuddle with me, but if I steal her Chapstick she'll murder me !?
Randomize
