nothing says happy birthday like half a tampon wrapped in someone else's hair on your shoulder.
i love accidental penises.
In the middle of blowin me she stoppped and told me how easy it would be to insert a catheter ..... Apparently she was a nursing major
a cabby told me that vodka is the coors light of liquor, and then gave me his number
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You left your underwear on the fireplace
His wife found out about our affair the same day he got fired for it.
You don't understand. If you watched a video of the shenanigans that occurred in my life over the past 48 hours you would gasp worse than the girl who witnessed me puking in my bag at the children's hospital
Sorry about flashing you in front of your mom.
You can't have your cake and publicly stick your dick in it too
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I walked into a room this morning and someone asked how my back was because I apparently threw myself off the porch after attempting to set myself on fire. Who the fuck let drunk me play with fire?!
Better question: who the fuck planted a tree next to the porch?!
I know it sounds all cute and shit that I wanted him to be with me last night, but it's not cute. I just wanted to fuck.
I'm listening to Michael Jackson while drinking vodka, alone. Honestly, l wish I could Moonwalk my way back to when I knew wtf was going on in my life.
My mom just busted me rolling a blunt on her bathroom counter. ...all she said was fuck it it's Christmas
If sending nudes to tinder boy is considered functional then yes.
Nice classy night out before we roll our faces off
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