When I'm drunk and can't pee, I sing my abc's in my head and try to pee before I get to pee. Last night I forgot to do it in my head
I just stuffed five dollars in my near empty box of camels to remind myself to buy more. And my mom says I don't budget my money
It's sad because pictures are supposed to say a thousand words, and theirs just say 'fat'
they came at us with fireworks while we were skinny dipping in her jacuzzi at 4 am...
I would totally lead with that as a line.'So, I was on Legends of the Hidden temple as a kid.. Your place or mine?'
Oh, and apparently I was butt ass naked and walked into the room where anna was skyping her dude in afghanistan and said "This is happening."
He asked if I had feelings for him while I was lying naked on the floor vomiting into a trashcan as he held my hair and fed me Pringles.
Did you leave ur panties in the sink?
Kitchen or bathroom?
It's election day and I was just tied up with an American flag scarf
I will teach you the ways of the ho life, my little gay grasshopper.
I never thought I'd say this but there's too many dicks around here.
Like seriously how stupid drunk do you have to get befor you start finding dolphin lighters and shit in your undergarments
He just showed up at my house with a giant box of Trojans and a 6-pack of Yoohoo "for a special treat afterwards". I'm in love.
i'll explain later but cookie monster is playing the xylophone
It's been three years since Kelly shit in the to go box that we put in Sam's mailbox after we broke up. Considering Sam and I are friends again, should I finally tell him?
Randomize
