If it wasnt for meatballs I would have fucking killed myself already.
They have a pepper shaker for pot.
I don't know how but I have our hotel room door handle in my purse... this can not be good
and honestly how many chances will you get to hook up with a one armed guy?
aha we'll just say that my mind was so focused on A Bugs Life that it was hard to maintain an erection
You know that girl that climbed through my window and got in my bed with me and fucked me? It turns out she was real and has a real boyfriend who is real pissed
You know that feeling when you wake up and your whole body just smells like a penis?
Haha never eat brownies from a guy with batman pajamas
You're finding a boat, I'm going to sleep with a guy that lives above a bar and has 24 hour access. We are really nailing this adulting thing
for not the first time in my life, my clothes are covered in piss and i'm standing in line waiting to buy pedialyte at a convenience store
I'll keep supplying drugs if you teach me piano.
Life update: This fucking MacBook repair guy called me over last night for a booty call and he didn’t have a condom OR a bed
Remember that pair of super cute shorts I pooped in? I miss those 😔
He told me that he had never gotten a blow job. I sat there for a second, then thought "I MUST FIX THIS!" It was fucking fantastic.
If he ever pulls my hair again, I'm going to conveniently have lock jaw. Then he can decide whether pain during sex is still fucking appealing.
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