9 beers later and she still looks like Gary Busey.
i love how i spend my mornings exploring my phone to see what i did last night.
I woke up to somebody tossing my salad... I should have drank more
Like if Robert Downey Jr. and Kiefer Sutherland got together for a bender, that's how drunk I want us to be.
i'm moving back early just in case the freshmen need a tour of the school
oh right the one that ends on your bed
Totally just locked myself outside of my house, in my robe, with the fedex man and a box of sex toys. Not my week.
My mom's 50 year old alcoholic friend just told me about how she was more whoreish then us at our age. Challenge accepted.
We fucked in your water heater closet. Told you we'd try everywhere.
That's like being smoked out by a unicorn. If the opportunity presents itself you fucking do it and don't ask questions.
Every time I think about it I can feel His toe in my mouth and I gag, I'm scarred for life.
IT'S LINGERIE PURCHASED FROM A FLEA MARKET, THE ONLY THING IT'S GOING TO BE POSITIVE FOR IS A TEST FOR HIV
This is the Taco Bell dump we've all been waiting for.
That dude with the beard walked up to me, turned my water into wine with everclear and kool-aid, and walked away. Pretty sure drunk Jesus is back.
He didn't even get to the first chorus of Hotel California before he started convulsing on top of me.
There is way too much butt cleavage here for a formal event.
Randomize
