WISH UPON A TAMPON
They constantly get farther than me.
tampons.
Just because your phone has a case on it doesn't mean it will survive a 5 story drop out the window.
More importantly this is sex weather and i am striking out
antibiotics and champagne: breakfast of champions
Just saw the mall santa roll by on a rascal scooter holding a chic-fil-a milkshake and stop to chat up trio of cute 20-somethings. New hero.
Yeah she let me pull the goalie and wear my USA flag like a cape since it was the first day of the world cup
He told me I have nice nipples. You can't just tell someone that and then leave the state!
You said "this is only my eighth drink" with like 6 separate drinks
Thought about it. I'm gonna go to work, but I'm gonna tell them I wrestled a bear saying I fell just isn't working.
did you just correct my grammar and then send me a photo of your dick?
I need a hobby that isn't dick related
The oven caught fire. I put it out, but called the fire department just to make sure it was okay since the smoke wasn't going away
You just wanted to meet firemen
She's sent me the same nudes using the same gestures and positions... It's like she has a template for her sluty-ness
You chipped your front tooth on the toilet bowl. Should I call your dentist?
I've run into almost every guy I've ever slept with today. It's like they know just how horny I am.
Randomize
