i just broke my key off in the door of my house because the engine wasnt starting
My mom just told me that after i turned eight i stopped growing mentally and emotionally
You discussed the Arab/Israeli conflict with the guy behind the counter at the Kebab shop telling him you supported his people. He was clearly Asian.
She's the perfect storm when it comes to psycho stalkers
Once he past out I measured his penis with my remote.
I went out in a blaze of glory. I failed the field sobriety test by saying ABCD FUCK YOU.
Just saw my bank statement. It literally goes liquor store pizza place liquor store pizza place bar bar bar liquor store pizza place 711 for snacks withdrawl for drugs rinse and repeat
No, he's ok. He just broke his teeth on the stripper pole. No biggie.
Koalas always seemed like really high little puppy kittens to me.
I'm pretty sure I said "this might be the last time I'm in here" but then I took his pants off so that's a mixed message
brushed my teeth nine times since getting home, still afraid there are pubes hiding in between my molars. fucking gummy bears
Why did you load my phone up with pics of Al Gore?
This week I fucked a police officer and called both the Senators from the state I'm in and the one I'm moving to. What have you done since the election?
Why is there a business card for people who need bail bonds in my wallet...
You know my vagina and my heart have a mind of their own even when it’s pouring snow.
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