My mom gets in bar fights. She doesn't go to bed early.
This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
remind me to tell you about the ham sandwich empire im building
yeah. you were just sitting there watching transformers, caressing your toaster.
I just saw a 3 year old try to break out of a daycare by driving a big wheel at full speed into a metal gate. Today is going to be epic.
He said "what's the haps". I don't know what the haps are but there goes his chances
I need to not be around brick walls while intoxicated.
man i wonder what i would be like if i had never started smoking weed
She fell onto my light and broke all four plants. I don't care how good the blowjob was.
As it turns out, strippers don't accept checks.
you came downstairs saying you were now 'dressed to impress'
what was i wearing?
nothing
I can't. I can't get out. He cooked me food. And made me jager bombs. And painted a glow in the dark smilie face on my boobs
I think as far as last words to bitter ex girlfriends go, "enjoy that staph infection youre about to get in your uterus" is right up there with the best
oh yeah, there may or may not be a large boa loose in the house when you get home.
I think I recall josh coming in to the room to tuck us in and give us a few condoms and I threw them back all furious and told him 'we don't use those.' Oh god
Randomize
