My 12 y/o god son's bandmate just asked me to their school dance. Still he's a better catch than the last one...
CAN CRIS ANGEL JUST LOOK NORMAL FOR ONCE?!
how did you get vomit on both your shoulders. I mean think about it.
I have an asthmatic alcoholic for a roommate. That can't be safe.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
i'm getting the "you hooked up with my friends" speech from him. i'm returning with the "gotta keep my quota up" speech
he handed me my panties in front of my date. turns out he wasn't that mad.
Dude squirt doesnt even begin to describe it i thought she was the lost portal to atlantis with how much she let out
I just spent the last ten minutes making a timeline of my sex life. 2010 and 2011 I am calling "I can't believe Im still clean" years.
I really like her...she always overpays me for xanax and still feels the need to fuck me to make up for it....
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I think he's like 40 and maybe a little sociopathetic and i have never been so turned on
Another text to add to the intervention pile, i see
nothing says "fuck you jocks from high school my life is better than yours" like bringing 5 grand in 20s to the bar
I just fell off a roof. So I'm kinda chillin for a minute.
Omg dude take a shower. You'll feel like god washed away all the sinful shit we did last night.
He broke through his window then signed his name on the biggest peice of glass from it. I think they framed it and named it 'best party ever'
Oh I had the weirdest dream in which I was an archeologist stealing a golden dildo from a snobby British person
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