How does everyone that never saw me naked know I'm built like a smurf?
Just bummed a recreational vicodin off my friend's 40 year old boyfriend & am hoovering a breakfast sammy from costco. And I don't have a boyfriend because why?
Define "chronic" masturbator.
that place is a roofie-colada waiting to happen
i'm ok with that.. with the right DD it's just a cheaper drunk.. it's the economy, stupid
my new favorite insult= "thundercunt"
I just paid $5 for a shot of el toro and the bartender wasn't even hot. Rock bottom.
i think my mom would be mad if i was pregnant. last time i was she grounded me for a week.
I'm one ex away from doing an entire victory lap of all of the guys I've hooked up with since second semester of freshman year. Single me is scary.
She keeps telling me I can't keep feeding the dog my food. I gave half the weed brownie to the dog and half to me. I just want it to taste the greatness of cheezits like I am.
I distinctly remember holding up a piece of ham pizza and screaming: "WHO THE FUCK EATS HAM PIZZA" in the face of a bunch of scared 13 year old girls faces, while my own sister laughed in mine.
You burned the hair off your arms. Again.
It grows back stronger each time.
you said you wanted to call me grandma and give me hugs
I'm currently trying to figure out a way to fill the bathtub up with mashed potatoes so when he comes over he'll know what's about to hit him..
He gives me the same feeling I get when someone puts a margarita or German chocolate cake in front of me
Well, at least you look pretty when you're disgusted
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