I think I left something in your back seat.... It was my integrity
I woke up at 5am and he was watching me sleep... Come get meee!!??
Im sitting next to shitfaced santa at the cuse game. My plan to be on television is now flawless
He thanked me for being "his little blond pogo stick last night". Good thing?
this dude just took some girl under your house for half an hour. you may have helped a 17 year old fuck on the beach for the first time. congrats.
I kindof just wanted to go downstairs and let his dad know how good his son was at sex
How do I tell her I need the lights out when I'm getting head because she and my mom share a perm color
I'm drawing the line at your vagina. I will not accompany you to get that pierced and/or tattooed. There's got to be some mystery to our relationship.
I just got St Patricks day and the day after St Patricks day off, wich I'm pretty sure is as close to a raise as I'll ever get.
Well. I mean as excuses for running late go, 'losing track of time in the bathhouse' has gotta be up there on the top ten.
I'm sitting next to the guy that peed in our drying machine
Hell no. Last time I used a Slip N Slide I ended up with bruised ribs, a broken fence and the hatred of a half naked girl with a sprained wrist.
Apparently I thought every drink in my house needed to have a buddy so I put some vodka in each one. Long story short being wasted at work because the gatorade you brought is 60% liqour is not a great idea.
You left your phone here
Wait...
Hey? Just a hypothetical. You ever accidentally kill somebody's cat on purpose? Like you didn't mean to but it had it coming? If you're wondering it tripped me while I was walking down the stairs and I landed on it as I fell.
Randomize
