I just woke up surrounded in unopened snacks
69 is so not fun when his penis is sporting a 70s hairstyle
I wanted to google "huge banana" but I'm pretty sure all I'd get is dick pictures.
I do regret it. But I can't unfuck her
just wondering who decided to put a cup of throw up in my fridge
I'm hard boiling eggs, drinking rum, and talking to my 8 year old brother about the 10's times tables. This is what thursday is all about.
in respone to your voicemail you left me on saturday, yes i had gone to bed and no i was not still drinking at 5am
Please tell me why there is some girl tied to our toilet?
I gave an inspirational speech to a bum and called a bride ugly at her wedding reception.
Show him your tits if he says no
They're not help-me-out-of-jams tits. They're I-fake-people-into-thinking-they-look-good tits.
I just handed the barista at Starbucks a panty liner instead of my card....maybe I should upgrade this Tall to a Venti...
I can't say "baby i'm to high to talk to you" in Starbucks.
I'm sitting outside your room listening for sex noises eating pepperoni...slowly
I told my manager that I would be coming in to work either high from edibles on purpose or tripping on acid by accident so he knows to check my work tomorrow.
I successfully cockblocked 5 people in one night. I wasnt getting any, why should they.
Randomize
