He just told me his cousin just died and I look like her. Reconsidering the sex.
Its official, cigarettes are now more expensive than weed
i just watched kanye west and taylor swift have a chugging contest. why cant halloween be every day
I just had a formal request to dress as a boyscout for my meeting with Legal on Friday. From Legal. Time to go home.
there was a trail of blood coming out of one of the bathroom stalls. thought of you
He gets a blow job; I get my oil changed free of charge. And that way I only see him every 2500 miles.
You should be proud. How many people can say they GAVE a stripper an std?
nothing like a walk of shame in front of a cnn news crew to start the morning off right
Just had a 10 minute long conversation with my cat about how if I died, and he needed to eat me to live, I'd totally be ok with it. Definitely still drunk.
No. I heard a cover of "my heart will go on". This is not sanity.
His last Google search was "will sperm ruin the retina display on Apple products?"
You know you're high when, "Why can't I steal the duck?!" Becomes a serious question.
She was here for a threesome... She doesn't have to put the new roll of toilet paper on the dispenser. She can leave the new roll wherever she wants!
I walked in describing her boobs thinking I was talking to you only to hear dad say 'I remember when your moms were like that'. ALWAYS tell me when they get home early. Always
How long do I have to listen to him talk about the chickens before telling him I just really want to fuck? Note: it's already been twelve minutes.
Randomize
