Haym$ered
turn off your phone and go to bed
just do him I won't tell jon
um i'm guessing you meant to send this to tina, thanks for the support in our relationship you whore
dibs on John Mayer's hood pass
She was holding a turtle doing a beer bong out of a flower watering can.
She keeps sending, "show me your elephant trunk."
Made dad pull of the highway twice on the way home so I could puke. Yeah i'd say we ended the semester well.
I just hit myself in the face while taking off my shirt. I could never be a stripper.
adding to the list of how to lure in freshman boys: take dogs for a walk, yell at them from across the street, sit on the curb at 3 in the morning sobbing
We broke into her grandpa's pool at 2 am and I held my underwear out the window on the way home.
The only thing that got me through this hellish day was imagining a large Swedish penis inside of me.
What did your vagina DO during the nhl lockout?!
Americans.
What is it with the dog running away when we have epic hangovers
Had dinner with a married woman but didn't have sex with her. Tweeted at Mike Pence to apologize anyway.
Fun fact. A penis can be used to catapult cheetos.
I'm SO high. And there is so much pudding in this car
I got a discount on the lube for giving the cashier focaccia bread from work.
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