Dude someone changed all the contacts in my phone to I Like Eggs
So baked. Thought the twigs on the sidewalk were caterpillars with the ability to harden in self defense. Had to pick one up to be sure.
woke up naked, gf gone. There is a cup of change in the fridge, a bird in the bathroom, and odie is drawn on my ceiling. I live in a non sequitur
A girl just told me she printed out my pictures and taped them on her wall. I have to stop sleeping with virgins.
I'm starting to think you fell asleep on your kitchen floor pantless with salsa spilt around you
Seriously-without actually meaning the statement for it's words- that made me want to put a baby in you.
First roommate to find me and dance with me will live. Battle Royale.
I have got to stop letting people hang ornaments from my nipple ring.
Tis the season.
All I remember is a very aggressive two-stepper who inadvertently made me give myself a black eye with my own beer
Not to mention I think lunch is a little inappropriate when our relationship is only based on Mario kart and alcohol so far...
I know we were going to go hiking today, but I don’t think I can face reality until Wednesday
Remember when I made fun of you when you ran out of toilet paper on your brother's birthday and had to use coffee filters? Guess what happened today
2:34, make a wish! I wish I wasn't on acid at Planned Parenthood. What's yours?
Getting food poisoning after eating at work was the cherry on top of my "Welcome back to real life" sundae.
I get so pissed when there is something that NEEDS to be made fun of and you're not here.
Randomize
