btw ... thanks for not giving me up as the craigslist killer
i owe you one
thanks for snagging those panties for me
Goddamn it, are you fucking her sister?
did you know it's going to storm tonight?
You bitch. At least tell Laura she's a better kisser.
nothing says happy new years better than a black eye from shooting yourself with a champagne bottle
he just invited me over for the 3 p's...pepsi pizza and porn...I'm gonna marry him
we just drove by a car that was painted for a grad, it said "you done it!" with a confederate flag bumper sticker next to it. i love kentucky
I have an explanation for how we got this drunk this fast... but you wont like it. We are officially in complete liver failure.
I'm not sure, 7-8, the last bit was a rush of at least three blended together. Basically you fucked me so stupid that I can't even recall the number of orgasms.
So you know, I'm making that my facebook status.
We all make mistakes. Just lock them up deep down inside your mind so they can surface as weird sexual fantasies it takes your therapist years to decipher when your 40
Shit, my parents are coming over and I just realized that a grinder is not an acceptable paperweight
I'm going to be fiscally responsible and buy a handle.
I just watched this dude try to convince this girl to go home with him. She was like, That's cute, you're cute.and she just walked away. Man I'm so not drunk enough to be around this level of sad.
Everyone is all excited about the iPhone 7 being water resistant and I'm only concerned with whether or not it can be destroyed by salsa or cum
Is it day drinking when the suns up like when does that start
asking for a friend
Wow. I hope you were either doing that in your sleep or blacked out. You threw up then covered yourself in duct tape... i wish i got that on camera
Gameplan: If the cops show up, find a potted plant to hide behind... It's worked before!
Randomize
