fuck, i never want to drink again I drunk dialed matt last night and broke up with him the second night in a row. FUCK QUADFEST
why are there goldfish crackers all over my bed?
you decided you wanted to name them & keep them as pets.
You dont remember anything at all? So you dont remember the shop down my road with the 'TO LET' sign over it? You were adamant that the 'I' had fallen off and that it used to say TOILET...so you took a shit right there in the doorway.
He was doing push ups, crunches and jogging in place in front of the restaurant. I'm not too sure I want to eat there if it requires immediate exercise following the meal.
You passed out across the stairs with your feet and arms through the railings so you "wouldn't fall down when you blacked out and no one could get the pizza past you without waking you up". \n\nYou're the smartest drunk I know.
Srsly this has gone to far. Just broke my nose on the toilet. College bars.
when it says do not use on the face or genital areas, it MEANS do not use on the face or genital areas.
nope, if she's going to skank it up with ginge-a-saurus douche she deserves the silent treatment.
I. Put. Them. Back. We are NOT making a habit of jail visits.
I'm pretty sure my liver died in Reno and my intestines are doing hula hoops around my asshole. The bachelor party was that good.
Would it be wildly inappropriate for me to tailgate a Jonas brothers concert?
I'm worried about your health. And your boobs. Actually, health, then boobs. Health first, boobs second. And third.
I think drunk me saved him in my phone as "beautiful man" to play a joke on sober me
I once left mine in my bra and I forgot and I didn't notice it was there until it vibrated.
This may be the most redneck thing I've ever said, but I know all there is to know about farting dogs
Randomize
