just brushed my teeth with a bottle of jack. ew. not all it's hyped up to be.
Just puked on the beach. Hungover. In front of my parents. I love summer.
Apparently I climbed into a dryer last night and refused to leave... There are pictures to prove it
You missed a lot. I drank contact solution thinking it was water, vodka thinking it was water and some unidentified substance that reminded me of pine sol thinking it was water..
I swear, if he gets me a bowling ball for Christmas, I will throw it at him.
I was so drunk, I was kissing everyone. Their sexual preference was none of my concern.
Lesson of the night- sweaty dick can get stuck to ice, and require medical attention.
there's cocaine on the ipad again........... was your sister here last night?
My FitBit tracked the calories I burned during sex. Hello 2015!
I woke up and my pants were in the kitchen but my shoes were next to my bed. Do the math...
She was just trying to do dick voodoo. Pretty standard stuff.
*swallows 40 gallons of heavy water and astral projects into buzzfeed* Top Ten Reasons Why I Am God
Thank you for coming with me today. I find it appropriate that we celebrated my negative pregnancy test with slurpees and donuts.
You pee in parking lots....i drive home naked.....thats the american dream i was promised
Dude get over here. Steven brought super soakers filled with colored vodka.
Randomize
