don't go home with that guy from jersey
i know, not worth the blood test
it felt great physically, but AWFUL morally.
Is it weird if i grunt like Tim Taylor when im having sex AND grilling steaks??
I smell stomach acid.
I just saw a girl make a shank with the underwire in her bra...
I'm going to write a letter. It's going to say, Dear Every Girl Ever: Take some goddam initiative and wake me up with a blowjob and I will eat out of your hand. Love, Every Guy Ever
So I'm drunk playing pool in a bar with a guy I arrested last week for a DUI...if he recognizes me, shit's gonna get real.
Tomorrow may or may not be a problem cause i'll be wonder woman for a halloween party aka i'll be fucked up & try & jump off of shit thinking i can fly
Everything is just really out of control. I hear puking from three different parts of the house. Roger has black eye from being punched. Kaiser tried shaving his head, but somehow burned himself. Music is bumping, but everyone is either puking and calling out for help or blacked the fuck out.
It would be like if I said I had the cure for cancer and my explanation was I like turtles.
Send help, water and tortillas.
Also I'm so used to having sex with river guides that when he pulled out a condom I was actually surprised
Don't forget to make sex 3rd on your calander
i feel like every weekend turns into a giant blur of i dont want to know...
i love how you, my friend, sends me a picture of herself wearing a shirt that says "i am dead inside" and i'm just like "awww baby you're so cute"
that's just solidarity
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