Nob stitches i do do not bleed anymorr!
You answered the door when the cops arrived with a beer in one hand and a pillowcase over your head yelling "GAGA, OOH LA LA!"
i stalked him back to the creation of his facebook in november 2008. that bad.
I found out that my first kiss was an Italian. Even in kindergarden i knew size mattered.
Just peed on my foot. Thank you Sunday hangovers.
He's texting from midnight mass asking for nude pics. Baby Jesus is spinning in his manger as we speak
That moment when you cant decide between eating spaghetti or a Popsicle for breakfast
I COULD BREAK CONCRETE WITH MY FOOTBALL ERECTION.
I climbed through his window to find him already with another booty call. This wouldn't have happened if I could upgrade from my 7th grade scooter to a real car.
…If I were you I wouldn't use that as part of your argument to your dad for a car
Things are coming back to me in chunks. I vaguely remember signing a shirt that said 'I enjoy vagina'
I AM SO PROUD OF YOU
My mom just said we can't get married in nude body suits to look like earthworms. She's ruining my life.
Hypothetically speaking how does one remove a lamp that they hypothetically superglued to the ceiling?
Acetone nail polish remover, and you lied about studying last night didn't you?
Oh definitely.
The night they met I slept with both of them. Of course I'm best man.
I'm going to blow a ton of money on sex toys just so I can tell you to do better than them.
You tryed convincing the salvation army bell ringer you could do the worm and face planted into the sidewalk... I put a dollar in the can for your performance
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