I don't even have to sign up for karaoke at duncans anymore. The karaoke ppl just sign me up themselves. Without my consent. I also sang stacys mom to some lady named Stacy who's mom died yesterday.
please remind me not to sleep with group members until after finals week.
These shoes are like walking on sunshine and labias. So soft and squishy
A gay black guy with blonde hair and a gold tooth just told me he would shit on my face.
Now it's a party.
I need moral support for this bender
I just tripped out to the Angel of Music from Phantom of the Opera in my car. Wayyyy to high for shuffle right now.
We are a team. I lure them in with my tits, feed them enough alcohol to consider homosexuality, and hand them off to you.
You're the best wingman ever.
Buying a pregnancy test at Walmart in the middle of the night in the middle of Tennessee is not really how I imagined my 25th year on this planet starting out...
She just took a mirror selfie at the hospital while in labor.
You told me that you were mad me because I wouldn't let you 'explore my castle'. Then you said I smelled like a hospital and passed out.
I had cheese pancakes which is pretty much just melting cheese in a frying pan and then eating it except youre in denial that your life is a wreck
I knew how high you were when you put a french fry in your mouth and said 'fuck, this tastes like meat but feels blue.'
Dude, she was there with her husband and I was there with my wife. Of course we banged in the bathroom.
Next time I think it’s a good idea to hook up with any of your wife’s family members or friends just kick me in my dick
God. Spice Girls is now grocery store demographic. Kill me.
Randomize
