im orety awesome arent i? relly i know i am
yo dude i was totally schwabbin last night.
what does that even mean?
you ever see those charles schwabb commercials, where the people are like half cartoon half real.... well yeah i saw that in real life.
I just mixed tequila and nyquil in front of dad. hes making ambulance jokes but let me tell you its DELICIOUSSS
The last thing I remember is you asking me how to grow french fries.
i dont know if you remember blowing your vomity nose directly into my hand...yeah thanks for that
Regular drunk falling on flat ground did not prepare me for drunk falling into a pile of firewood.
Drunk in burger king. Having it our way. Free fries. M&m sundaes.
I had a face to face conversation with her vagina, asking it not to make me look bad.
I just shit a hot coal. Pretty sure it's that fireball shot from yesterday.
Hey where the fuck is the rest of my beer? Lets start this day off right
How exactly does a handjob become fancy?
Blueberry lube, and champagne.
He was more upset that I got into his phone than about getting caught cheating.
The bride is so wasted, she fell into her cake.I wanna be on her level
Bro, it was an EPIC night once again last night. I’m so sorry that you saw me naked.
If you can wrestle my underwear off of me, you can top. It'll be like using an amulet in Legends of the Hidden Temple. Instead of not getting captured, you don't get fucked in the ass.
Randomize
